1000 Things (Sorry Jason Mraz, I stole your song title)

I have 1000 things running through my head today.
The most terrible part is that I cannot decipher through any of them.
None of these things can be fixed and stored away.
They just have to stay there for weeks or months or maybe years.

I have been thinking a lot lately about what makes me different.
What makes me, Caroline?
And to be honest, I can't think of one quality that makes me any
different from anyone else I see on a daily basis.
Yes, I have a good personality.
I am a genuinely nice person.
I can have fun, but also be serious.
I have my things that make me tick.
And so many different things that make me happy.
I love my dog like my own child.
I eventually want someone around that I can trust with my heart.
I want a house.
I want others to view me as someone they like to be around.
General things, that I am sure most people think of themselves.

So what makes me different?
I honestly haven't the slightest idea.
Except I have this crazy amount of passion sitting inside me,
waiting to have something and/or someone bring it out.
I have this idea of a dream job where I could read/write daily
to alleviate some of the restlessness that I feel from
bottling up so much creative and emotional passion.
I have this idea of a dream person as well that would share
this kind of passion for the world and the people that
he loves.
Surely these are not too demanding.

The saddest part of these two things is that I have to wait
for both of them.
Everyone says you can have whatever you want as long as
you set your mind to it.
I call bull shit on them.
I have wanted to write since I was in high school.
I did write. Only for myself. Much like right now.
I spent countless dollars and hours in college pursuing a
career my family didn't support, and one I still have yet to break into.
I am sure there is more that I could do to pursue it, but it's very
hard to be motivated after 7 years of college, and a terrible economy,
especially for recent graduates.

As for the second dream of mine...
As of a month ago, I had no idea what I wanted this person to look like,
and knew nothing of the qualities I wanted him to possess.
Finally one day, I sat down at my desk and made a list.
From what he looked like to his level of schooling.
From his quirks to if he would live in a house, apartment, etc.
I wrote down every part.
And I told myself I would no longer let myself date someone
who didn't have these qualities.
Sure there are some I am more lenient on, and others that
I stand very firmly beside.

After feeling quite crazed about this list, I decided
to ask the one person who gives flawless advice...
My mother.
She said it was a great idea and that she wished
she would have had a list when she was dating.
Not that my dad wasn't most of the things she wanted,
she just wished she had something to look at when she
was single, to help guide her.
I am pretty sure whomever it is that I end up will have
to be a lot like my mother, in how she handles me.
She knows what it is like to see me as a hypochondriac,
and she will come with me and still hold my hand when
they are taking blood. He will have to be like that.
She knows what it is like to see me as an unrealistic dreamer,
and she will tell to think things through when I am
getting too far with my searches. He will have to be like that.
She knows what it is like to see me as a heartless bitch,
and she will tell me when I am out of line, but in the most
loving way, knowing the whole time I don't really mean
the things I said. He will have to be like that.
And most importantly, she knows what it is like to see me
at my weakest, to see me lost and confused, to hold my head
in her lap and let me cry and cry, until my eyes are red and raw,
and tuck my hair behind my ear and tell me how beautiful I am
and how everything will be fine. He will have to be like that.

And even as I type, I realize more things to add to my list.
But as I said before, I have to be patient with both.
Do only what I can, and hope for the best.
And hope one day, my passion won't be wasted.

Love with passion...

C