You may think I have gone missing

The closer the deadline gets for school, the more stressed I am about it. My entrance exam is next Tuesday, and I am trying to study as much as possible. As well as getting all my paperwork in. My fuse is low lately, as I am trying to keep everything all together.

I start my part-time job tomorrow. It should be interesting. Not that I haven't worked with my mom before, I have many times, but this time I am going to work there before my other job. Which means I will be getting up around 7 every morning and not getting home until between 10 and 11:30 at night. This also means I will have no social life for the next 4 weeks. Since the job is just seasonal, I just have to get through 4 weeks. I will probably be a frazzled mess but oh well, I need the extra money in the worst way.

Not much else is new. My mind has been taken over with school stuff and every once in awhile other thoughts are thrown in there that are negative, so I have been trying to busy myself so those negative thoughts have nowhere to thrive. It's a very intense battle though.

The good news through all of this is I have lost 5 pounds in a week. Maybe it was the week I was sick, who knows. I saw my rib bones in my back which I haven't seen in years. I no longer have love handles anymore. All around, I am happy about it. I just have to keep up the exercising, which is going to be really hard now that I don't really have time to do it. I will try to figure something out. I have noticed that exercise keeps me happy though, which is why I need it right now to get through all that stress.

Send prayers, good thoughts, good vibes, etc. my way next Tuesday and the next few weeks.

Love to all.

C

Tough few days

This last week has been wild. Last weekend was nice. I got my happiness fill for awhile. Then as things usually do, everything went to shit. Monday was normal, Tuesday I had the day off, wasn't feeling so hot, by Wednesday I felt like I was on my death bed. My throat was all swollen and I was finding it hard to swallow and talk. I decided to go to the doctor when I realized I had a temperature of 100.7 (which is a really high fever for me since I have such a low normal body temp). I found out I didn't have the flu, but just a virus. I got my medicines and made my way home to stay on the couch for a couple of days. And I did just that.



Friday I went to a show, which it was nice to get out of the house. I had cleaned frantically all day. I was happy to be outside of the apartment. The weird thing was that with my medicine, I haven't been tasting things since I started taking it. It is either nothing at all or some odd taste. First my Popsicle tasted like popcorn. My drinks had no flavor. It was a very weird experience.



Then yesterday, good 'ol vertigo showed it's ugly head again. I was really having a hard time having this many problems. So I laid on the couch for the remainder of the evening. Right before I went to sleep, for the second night in a row, I have severe anxiety. Last night I tried to calm myself down with writing, but even that wasn't helping. So I just went to sleep. Only to wake up this morning feeling even more upset and dizzy.



I tried to get through my morning with normal thoughts, but everything I had thought of the night before was coming right back to mind. I realized last night how utterly afraid I am, and it's something I have to get over before I can move on in my life. Nothing will ever work easily if I am always afraid. But where to start?



I drove to work after a week of not being here, trying to calm myself down. Wanting to cry or freak out, just something to make me feel better. I almost called about 5 people, but never went through with any of them.

Negative versus Positive

I am probably not in the best mood right now to be writing, but maybe it will do me some good. I am stressed with all the school stuff I have to get done and pay for within the next month. I don't know how ready I am to have homework and tests again. I am scared that I will be overwhelmed. And as always I am fearful of failing at something that is so costly and time consuming.

With all the stress of school, and the free time being filled with MAT studying and trying to finish my application process, my apartment is in shambles... which drives me crazy. I have been trying to clean a little everyday before work, but it just seems to get dirty again by the next day. It's just been too much to get it clean.

With all the stress and stuff, I decided this week I was going to start working out regularly again. So I have done some form of exercise everyday this week except for today (it was one of my two days off a week). I also cut out caffeine. I haven't even had Sprite (which I love so very much). I ironically have more energy from the exercising so that I don't need the caffeine. I feel so much better when I get up in the morning, and I haven't been sleeping 10 hours a night, I have been averaging around 7 actually. I don't feel as tired throughout the day. And when I do sleep, it is much more restful.

Last night I noticed I am getting calf muscles which I haven't seen since cheerleading. And my little bicep is poking out now when I flex. I am still not exactly where I would like to be, but it's a start and if I keep it up I should start seeing results.

I am learning about myself a lot right now. I have realized terrible trends in men I am attracted to and what I do to make these relationships fail. And yes, I make them fail. Nine times out of ten, I am the reason they fall apart. Yes, none of them would have worked regardless if I hadn't put a death sentence on them, but I kill them long before I get anything from them. I used to blame the other person a lot, but I know now it was my own doing. I didn't know I was doing it until now, but since I do I realize this is a hard habit to get rid of. My usual self wants to take over and I am finding it hard to shake all the negative thoughts I am used to having. But I am attempting it. The past few weeks have been filled with little sleeping and lots of thinking. I was glad when I started jogging and stuff and I finally slept through the whole night without waking up from terrible dreams or crazy thoughts. I am learning to turn off my negative mind, and start to listen to my positive one.

My positive one is telling me it will all work out. I am going to trust that.

Love to all...

C