The past and the present

I have been dreading this entry.
It has crossed my mind at least 1oo times
since it happened and I know the only way
for me to make light of it, is to write.
To see it staring at me in my face.
It is much harder to hide from when it is
standing right in front of me, standing on
my toes, nose-to-nose.

After my last post, I had many hesitations,
but I finally decided to see the person who
had suddenly showed interest in being in
my life again, after so long of not.
"I should be nervous", I kept telling myself
as I was driving in his direction. I wasn't.
Anyone who knows me, knows I get nervous
about EVERYTHING. Anything and everything.
I took me awhile to warm up to the idea
that I was bringing two worlds together.
My past and my present.
I took him where I felt comfortable and
had planned to play a game with friends.
We quickly found ourselves talking only
to each other and not even paying
attention to the people playing the game.

We talked about a lot of different things.
I was racking my brain for questions to
ask him. I asked what I could then
found myself with nothing more.
I mean, what do you say to someone
you used to know so well and has
turned into this different person,
and all in good ways.
We talked about kids and families.
We talked about plans.
We talked about girlfriends/and the
lack of my boyfriends.

Then he hit me with something I
wasn't ready for.
I had been silent for awhile, trying
to think of things to talk about,
when he said, "you know, Caroline,
you aren't really the same person
you used to be."
I felt my breath leave my lungs
and struggled to get any air back
in them.
I was afraid he would say this.
"In a good way or bad way?"
finally I managed to say.
He said, "both".
Not in a mean way, but in a
completely honest way that I was
hoping he would never notice.
Mainly because I know who I am
now is not what I used to be,
mostly because I have become
very callused to the world and to
the things that upset me.
I would get a really huge dose of
this later in the night.

I was suddenly afraid that I was
no longer the soft, loving person
he remembered me as.
I thought of things he could be
thinking that I now resembled.
An empty shell of a person, one that
no longer has feeling in my face.
Maybe just a guarded person, that no
longer lets anyone in.
So I did what any person would do,
I quickly changed the subject.

The rest of the evening went more
smoothly after that point.
I talked freely about things in our
past. I talked about the things I
had recently gone through.
But then once again he said something
I wasn't expecting and something
I thought I wanted to talk to people
about until it actually happened.
He said he thought I was still wanted
the last guy I had liked.
My simple response was, "no, why would
I want someone who doesn't want me?"
At the time I said it, I wanted to take it
back, and say what I had said for weeks
now, that everything was fine.

It took a few hours for those words to
really sink in, and when they did, I
felt exactly what I thought I would.
I was glad I finally felt something
though, I thought there was no
way I would get over someone that
quickly and effortlessly.

I am glad to have my friend back in my life.
Glad to have someone who holds
so much of my past, but at the same
time scared to death of the ways he
could hurt me all over again.
I know he is different but there is
a large part of me that can't get
over things that easily.
We shall see, I suppose.

Love to all.

C

Surprises in unexpected places

Oh man, what a weird 24 hours I have had.
Yesterday I left my house once for groceries,
food for the dog and movies.
I had my pajamas on from the time I got out
of bed until this morning. I watched 3 movies.
I had a severe case of multiple personality
disorder in regard to my emotions.
One minute I would feel lonely, the next
angry and the following minute content.
I have no idea why this was happening,
I would get over each emotion quickly
and it would be on to the next one.

The loneliness lasted throughout the day.
It strung itself through all the other emotions
and would peak its ugly face all too commonly.
By midnight last night, I had enough.
I finally had to call someone just to have
someone talk me through it, maybe make
me laugh and forget about it.
As I tried to go through my strong support
system, I found myself calling the one
person that I knew had to be going through
something similar. The one person who had
earlier in the day said a prayer for me without
asking questions or expecting praise.
I called my first love.
The person who broke me entirely.
But also the person who has made such a huge
turn-around in his life, that even I (being the
cynical person I am) can't believe it.

We haven't kept in very good contact over
the past 2 years, mostly by my decision.
Just a phone call here and there to make
sure we were still alive and where we were.
Recently, we have been talking more often.
I have realized he is now the person who
I knew he could always be.

So I called last night, waking him of course,
but he still answered and talked to me for
almost an hour. When he had asked how
my day was, I had simply said fine at first
then as the conversation progressed I
ended up telling him I was lonely and
didn't know how to make it go away.
He said he understood how I felt.
As we continued to talk he finally told
me that there was something he had
been wanting to tell me for awhile but
he didn't know how I would
react when he told it to me.
Then he dropped the biggest shock of
my year: he told me loved me...
I am not sure if he told me that as a
friend or as something more.
My response after a moment of silence
was simply, "why?"

I have always considered myself an
unlovable person. Someone no one
could really love, no matter what my
feelings were towards the other person.
I even wrote a monologue to myself
about this specific thing, giving
explanations and examples of why
this was true for me.
I never felt this way because I didn't
want to be loved, but because since I
was 19 years old, no one has.

So one can only imagine the impact
these few words meant to me.
His reasoning for saying them or the
intent he has tacked on them doesn't
matter, he had just proved my theory,
the one I that followed me everywhere,
wrong.

I woke up this morning still sad about
spending my first holiday completely
alone, but those words still ringing in
my head; not to get some kind of romantic
hopes up, but just knowing someone could.
This person knows me very well. We dated
years ago and were friends up
until about 2 years ago, close friends at that.
He knows what I look like without make-up.
He has seen every phase of my hair.
I have seen/met/and gave advice about his
many girlfriends.

Not many people I am close to approve of
our contact, merely because they know what
kind of relationship we had before.
But like I told him, no one understood that I
always saw him for the person I knew that
was hidden somewhere inside.
I had given up on ever seeing that person,
which is why we lost contact.

So all this for the fact that I had a blessing
last night, hidden somewhere that I never
expected it.
Those are the moments in life that I love.
The surprises that I never saw coming.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you.
I am thankful for everyone that is in
my life. You are what keeps me going,
smiling, dreaming, and believing in good.

Love and thankfulness to all...
C

My life is no longer simple

Two weeks ago I made a very hard decision
and decided to hold off on grad school until Fall.
This obviously wasn't my first choice, but the
closer the semester came, I realize how
unprepared I was for my entrance exam and
how the funds were just simply not there to
pay for it (along with my other bills).
It was really difficult to try and not feel
disappointed in myself over not getting
it all in on time and not studying harder.
I have to keep my momentum up until
Fall so that it not just another pipe-dream.

On the same day as this hard decision, I had
another decision made for me. The person I
had finally told my feelings to, decided to tell
me he did not feel the same. Of course, I was
disappointed to hear this, but for some reason
had a positive outlook regardless (which is
something very new to me). I did not get
upset, I did not blame myself or him for that
matter, that things didn't work the way I wanted.

I started my part-time job and find myself in the
finishing days. I haven't jogged in these few weeks
and my body is slowly showing the signs of this.
I have a least been trying to climb numerous
flights of stairs while at work, to keep some
kind of exercise going. I have probably gained
that five pounds back that I lost a month ago,
but eagerly plan on getting back into my
normal routine once my schedule gets back
to normal.

I have been slacking severely on my writing,
and that is also showing signs of decline, but
I have at least been reading and I hope to
start painting again very soon.

My social life has taken a dip but I feel it for
the better. I enjoy myself more when I do
get to go out, and I don't stay out as late
even if I don't have to get up early.

I try and live my life without regrets, and
I feel that this past month is no different.
I have forced myself to do more than I
thought I could as far as working two jobs,
and I have managed to get over someone
I never thought I would without struggle.
I have kept my thoughts more positive,
and all my options open as far as meeting
new people and getting to know them.
I have re-kindled friendships (ironically,
and without my effort) with two of my
ex's over the past month, and I have
really enjoyed getting to know each of
them again, they have both changed a lot.

Moving fast and moving forward.
Keeping my mind clear and my heart
open. I have been praying more, which
I had kept at a minimum for a long time.
I feel stronger and I feel more happy with
myself and the decisions I have made and
will make in the next few months.

I am thankful for so many things this year
for Thanksgiving.

Be happy and well...

love to all.
C

You may think I have gone missing

The closer the deadline gets for school, the more stressed I am about it. My entrance exam is next Tuesday, and I am trying to study as much as possible. As well as getting all my paperwork in. My fuse is low lately, as I am trying to keep everything all together.

I start my part-time job tomorrow. It should be interesting. Not that I haven't worked with my mom before, I have many times, but this time I am going to work there before my other job. Which means I will be getting up around 7 every morning and not getting home until between 10 and 11:30 at night. This also means I will have no social life for the next 4 weeks. Since the job is just seasonal, I just have to get through 4 weeks. I will probably be a frazzled mess but oh well, I need the extra money in the worst way.

Not much else is new. My mind has been taken over with school stuff and every once in awhile other thoughts are thrown in there that are negative, so I have been trying to busy myself so those negative thoughts have nowhere to thrive. It's a very intense battle though.

The good news through all of this is I have lost 5 pounds in a week. Maybe it was the week I was sick, who knows. I saw my rib bones in my back which I haven't seen in years. I no longer have love handles anymore. All around, I am happy about it. I just have to keep up the exercising, which is going to be really hard now that I don't really have time to do it. I will try to figure something out. I have noticed that exercise keeps me happy though, which is why I need it right now to get through all that stress.

Send prayers, good thoughts, good vibes, etc. my way next Tuesday and the next few weeks.

Love to all.

C

Tough few days

This last week has been wild. Last weekend was nice. I got my happiness fill for awhile. Then as things usually do, everything went to shit. Monday was normal, Tuesday I had the day off, wasn't feeling so hot, by Wednesday I felt like I was on my death bed. My throat was all swollen and I was finding it hard to swallow and talk. I decided to go to the doctor when I realized I had a temperature of 100.7 (which is a really high fever for me since I have such a low normal body temp). I found out I didn't have the flu, but just a virus. I got my medicines and made my way home to stay on the couch for a couple of days. And I did just that.



Friday I went to a show, which it was nice to get out of the house. I had cleaned frantically all day. I was happy to be outside of the apartment. The weird thing was that with my medicine, I haven't been tasting things since I started taking it. It is either nothing at all or some odd taste. First my Popsicle tasted like popcorn. My drinks had no flavor. It was a very weird experience.



Then yesterday, good 'ol vertigo showed it's ugly head again. I was really having a hard time having this many problems. So I laid on the couch for the remainder of the evening. Right before I went to sleep, for the second night in a row, I have severe anxiety. Last night I tried to calm myself down with writing, but even that wasn't helping. So I just went to sleep. Only to wake up this morning feeling even more upset and dizzy.



I tried to get through my morning with normal thoughts, but everything I had thought of the night before was coming right back to mind. I realized last night how utterly afraid I am, and it's something I have to get over before I can move on in my life. Nothing will ever work easily if I am always afraid. But where to start?



I drove to work after a week of not being here, trying to calm myself down. Wanting to cry or freak out, just something to make me feel better. I almost called about 5 people, but never went through with any of them.

Negative versus Positive

I am probably not in the best mood right now to be writing, but maybe it will do me some good. I am stressed with all the school stuff I have to get done and pay for within the next month. I don't know how ready I am to have homework and tests again. I am scared that I will be overwhelmed. And as always I am fearful of failing at something that is so costly and time consuming.

With all the stress of school, and the free time being filled with MAT studying and trying to finish my application process, my apartment is in shambles... which drives me crazy. I have been trying to clean a little everyday before work, but it just seems to get dirty again by the next day. It's just been too much to get it clean.

With all the stress and stuff, I decided this week I was going to start working out regularly again. So I have done some form of exercise everyday this week except for today (it was one of my two days off a week). I also cut out caffeine. I haven't even had Sprite (which I love so very much). I ironically have more energy from the exercising so that I don't need the caffeine. I feel so much better when I get up in the morning, and I haven't been sleeping 10 hours a night, I have been averaging around 7 actually. I don't feel as tired throughout the day. And when I do sleep, it is much more restful.

Last night I noticed I am getting calf muscles which I haven't seen since cheerleading. And my little bicep is poking out now when I flex. I am still not exactly where I would like to be, but it's a start and if I keep it up I should start seeing results.

I am learning about myself a lot right now. I have realized terrible trends in men I am attracted to and what I do to make these relationships fail. And yes, I make them fail. Nine times out of ten, I am the reason they fall apart. Yes, none of them would have worked regardless if I hadn't put a death sentence on them, but I kill them long before I get anything from them. I used to blame the other person a lot, but I know now it was my own doing. I didn't know I was doing it until now, but since I do I realize this is a hard habit to get rid of. My usual self wants to take over and I am finding it hard to shake all the negative thoughts I am used to having. But I am attempting it. The past few weeks have been filled with little sleeping and lots of thinking. I was glad when I started jogging and stuff and I finally slept through the whole night without waking up from terrible dreams or crazy thoughts. I am learning to turn off my negative mind, and start to listen to my positive one.

My positive one is telling me it will all work out. I am going to trust that.

Love to all...

C

To all the little ones...

Today was one of those days.
I feared coming to work.
Yesterday we had a new baby
transfer to us, born at only 24 weeks.
For those who aren't aware, that
is a little over half of regular term.
I left last night, hoping and praying
for this little one.
I saw him with my own two eyes.
A tiny, little guy that could fit in my hand.



I get to work today and the first thing I
check is to see if he made it through the night.
The first night is always the hardest.
There he was, still with us.
I was so happy. This little one had beat
the odds of being so early and only
weighing a little over a pound.



Sadly, my excitement was brought to a halt
only a few hours after I got here.
The baby had passed on...
I, by no means, know what this must be like.
I don't even know what it is like having a child.
I can't even fathom having to deal with
something of that magnitude.
All the people with young children that I know
have healthy kids.



This brought a memory though.
I remember when my grandmother died,
it was the first time someone I was really
close to had passed away.
I remember at her funeral, my cousin and I
walked around the graveyard looking at headstones.
We got to particular part that was for babies.
I remember seeing how old all of them were.
So many innocent little children that were taken
so early.
I had lost someone who had lived a full life.
She had watched her children and most of her
grandchildren grow up.

I just can't imagine...
It makes me thankful for the many people in
my life. The ones I can still hold on to.
And the ones I had to let go of.
And even though I am only 26, I have had
a great life so far.

I am going to go hug little Dillan next time
I see her and thank God that she is healthy.

Life is different and sometimes sucks, but
at least I have it.

love to all.

C