08/08/08

Today has been odd. I started my day at work realizing how truly odd it was that I worked at a hospital and that I had done it for so long. It has been 2 and a half years since I started and I can remember how scared I was of what I would see. I remember thinking "how will I ever make IV's when I am super scared of needles?" I remember how scared I used to be to look in rooms, and how scared I was to see a dead body. This all faded, and actually to my surprise quite quickly. I got used to holding a needle, even though I would occasionally have bad thoughts of it piercing my skin. I almost always look in rooms now, even if I wish I hadn't, like when I saw the old man's penis. I still have a hard time with a dead body thing, but I have seen a few now...actually some in their last moments of life.

What I can't get over, no matter how long I have worked in a hospital is the aspect of loss. The actual process of dying. The tragic stories, the tear-filled eyes of family members that I see in the hall, or like today, the thought of someone so young not getting their chance to live. I have witnessed lots of tragic things here and the last hospital I was at, but they still upset me. The thought of most of them bring tears to my eyes. The 8 year old brought to the lobby in his teenage sister's arms even though he was already gone. The 17 year old that I saw in his last moments after overdosing on heroine. The two children that died in a car accident and their parents surviving. The many premature babies that come in here, that can't hold onto their few moments of life. And like today, the 34 year old with cancer that went through so much pain, that it was freedom from his suffering to let go of life. It's not just the stories that upset me, it's the tear-streaked faces in the hallway, the screaming cries from the patients rooms, and the people that I hear talk about not knowing how to survive without their loved one. This is what I have a hard time coping with.

I couldn't shake the feeling I had until I got away from the hospital. I thought about it the whole way home, and how hard it must be for a parent to survive their child's death. I just couldn't imagine what it must feel like to be almost cheated of the time spent with your child. I would have questions for our Creator that's for sure. Mostly of "why"? I wonder how many of these people ask those same questions.

So that being the day I had, I felt so emotionally drained by the time to get myself ready. I also wondered how long I could actually put up with the job that emotionally drains me that often. I already want to leave as it is but when days like this happen, it becomes almost unbearable. So this is me being human. This is me admitting getting upset about something. I never thought I could handle a hospital, and that was before I realized all I would subject myself to. But here I am 2 years later, still upset about frailty of human life, and I hope that will never change.