"So this is the New Year, and I don't feel any different..."

Right before New Year's I remembered
putting all my old Death Cab songs on the
computer but realized they hadn't made
it to my ancient iPod.
So in the spirit of the holiday I put all of
the songs that made me "feel" things in
years past. First and foremost "The New Year".
I had no idea what to expect for 2010,
because to be honest, I loved 2009.
I loved the whole decade actually.
Sure there were dark times, but overall
it was absolutely fantastic.
So many memories just in 2009 that
spring to my mind already...

the Killers concert with Meg.
the 13-hour drives to and from Denver.
the Valentine's Day trip to Austin
with Mike and Meg and the amazing time
we had with Drew and Steve.
my birthday, it was the best one so far.
moving into the new place.
feeling lovely at certain times with a certain
person through the months on June
through October.
kickball games, or the raining out of most
of them.
Barley house and our infamous "games nights".
Halloween and being a blond for the first time.
Christmas Eve and Christmas day spent with
my parents, getting to know them all over again.

Certain memories flash through my mind that
I wish I could re-live all over again.
Ones that I wish I could have back just so I would
pay more attention and enjoy them more.
One specific was a last kiss. I want that one back
the most.
Simply because I didn't know it would be the last.
I flippantly shrugged it off like there would be more.
I wish I would have taken more time in that moment.
In that one day actually.

Which brings me to my resolutions...
I don't really like resolutions, because they
usually just bring a load of disappointment at the
end of the next year, but I have thought a lot
about the things that scare me.
The list is long. Quite long.
Some are typical, while others are very strange.
Not many people understand my fear of crickets.
But most importantly, I live in fear.
I have lived this way for awhile, sometime in
the last decade this started happening.
I am scared to death to trust people with
my feelings, because I am afraid they will either
let me down or hurt me.
So I hold tight to them, instead of living my life.
I constantly worry about how things are perceived,
instead of enjoying the sweet moments.

So this year, I am going to stop living in fear.
I will hopefully meet someone that I can trust
to give my heart to, and show him my true feelings.
I am going to stop being afraid of not being perfect.
I am going to stop being afraid of looking weak.
And maybe somewhere in there, I will get over my
fear of crickets too.

So this time around, I won't regret not living every
second of every kiss, even if it is the last.

Love to all in 2010.

C