Negative versus Positive

I am probably not in the best mood right now to be writing, but maybe it will do me some good. I am stressed with all the school stuff I have to get done and pay for within the next month. I don't know how ready I am to have homework and tests again. I am scared that I will be overwhelmed. And as always I am fearful of failing at something that is so costly and time consuming.

With all the stress of school, and the free time being filled with MAT studying and trying to finish my application process, my apartment is in shambles... which drives me crazy. I have been trying to clean a little everyday before work, but it just seems to get dirty again by the next day. It's just been too much to get it clean.

With all the stress and stuff, I decided this week I was going to start working out regularly again. So I have done some form of exercise everyday this week except for today (it was one of my two days off a week). I also cut out caffeine. I haven't even had Sprite (which I love so very much). I ironically have more energy from the exercising so that I don't need the caffeine. I feel so much better when I get up in the morning, and I haven't been sleeping 10 hours a night, I have been averaging around 7 actually. I don't feel as tired throughout the day. And when I do sleep, it is much more restful.

Last night I noticed I am getting calf muscles which I haven't seen since cheerleading. And my little bicep is poking out now when I flex. I am still not exactly where I would like to be, but it's a start and if I keep it up I should start seeing results.

I am learning about myself a lot right now. I have realized terrible trends in men I am attracted to and what I do to make these relationships fail. And yes, I make them fail. Nine times out of ten, I am the reason they fall apart. Yes, none of them would have worked regardless if I hadn't put a death sentence on them, but I kill them long before I get anything from them. I used to blame the other person a lot, but I know now it was my own doing. I didn't know I was doing it until now, but since I do I realize this is a hard habit to get rid of. My usual self wants to take over and I am finding it hard to shake all the negative thoughts I am used to having. But I am attempting it. The past few weeks have been filled with little sleeping and lots of thinking. I was glad when I started jogging and stuff and I finally slept through the whole night without waking up from terrible dreams or crazy thoughts. I am learning to turn off my negative mind, and start to listen to my positive one.

My positive one is telling me it will all work out. I am going to trust that.

Love to all...

C