You may think I have gone missing

The closer the deadline gets for school, the more stressed I am about it. My entrance exam is next Tuesday, and I am trying to study as much as possible. As well as getting all my paperwork in. My fuse is low lately, as I am trying to keep everything all together.

I start my part-time job tomorrow. It should be interesting. Not that I haven't worked with my mom before, I have many times, but this time I am going to work there before my other job. Which means I will be getting up around 7 every morning and not getting home until between 10 and 11:30 at night. This also means I will have no social life for the next 4 weeks. Since the job is just seasonal, I just have to get through 4 weeks. I will probably be a frazzled mess but oh well, I need the extra money in the worst way.

Not much else is new. My mind has been taken over with school stuff and every once in awhile other thoughts are thrown in there that are negative, so I have been trying to busy myself so those negative thoughts have nowhere to thrive. It's a very intense battle though.

The good news through all of this is I have lost 5 pounds in a week. Maybe it was the week I was sick, who knows. I saw my rib bones in my back which I haven't seen in years. I no longer have love handles anymore. All around, I am happy about it. I just have to keep up the exercising, which is going to be really hard now that I don't really have time to do it. I will try to figure something out. I have noticed that exercise keeps me happy though, which is why I need it right now to get through all that stress.

Send prayers, good thoughts, good vibes, etc. my way next Tuesday and the next few weeks.

Love to all.

C

Tough few days

This last week has been wild. Last weekend was nice. I got my happiness fill for awhile. Then as things usually do, everything went to shit. Monday was normal, Tuesday I had the day off, wasn't feeling so hot, by Wednesday I felt like I was on my death bed. My throat was all swollen and I was finding it hard to swallow and talk. I decided to go to the doctor when I realized I had a temperature of 100.7 (which is a really high fever for me since I have such a low normal body temp). I found out I didn't have the flu, but just a virus. I got my medicines and made my way home to stay on the couch for a couple of days. And I did just that.



Friday I went to a show, which it was nice to get out of the house. I had cleaned frantically all day. I was happy to be outside of the apartment. The weird thing was that with my medicine, I haven't been tasting things since I started taking it. It is either nothing at all or some odd taste. First my Popsicle tasted like popcorn. My drinks had no flavor. It was a very weird experience.



Then yesterday, good 'ol vertigo showed it's ugly head again. I was really having a hard time having this many problems. So I laid on the couch for the remainder of the evening. Right before I went to sleep, for the second night in a row, I have severe anxiety. Last night I tried to calm myself down with writing, but even that wasn't helping. So I just went to sleep. Only to wake up this morning feeling even more upset and dizzy.



I tried to get through my morning with normal thoughts, but everything I had thought of the night before was coming right back to mind. I realized last night how utterly afraid I am, and it's something I have to get over before I can move on in my life. Nothing will ever work easily if I am always afraid. But where to start?



I drove to work after a week of not being here, trying to calm myself down. Wanting to cry or freak out, just something to make me feel better. I almost called about 5 people, but never went through with any of them.

Negative versus Positive

I am probably not in the best mood right now to be writing, but maybe it will do me some good. I am stressed with all the school stuff I have to get done and pay for within the next month. I don't know how ready I am to have homework and tests again. I am scared that I will be overwhelmed. And as always I am fearful of failing at something that is so costly and time consuming.

With all the stress of school, and the free time being filled with MAT studying and trying to finish my application process, my apartment is in shambles... which drives me crazy. I have been trying to clean a little everyday before work, but it just seems to get dirty again by the next day. It's just been too much to get it clean.

With all the stress and stuff, I decided this week I was going to start working out regularly again. So I have done some form of exercise everyday this week except for today (it was one of my two days off a week). I also cut out caffeine. I haven't even had Sprite (which I love so very much). I ironically have more energy from the exercising so that I don't need the caffeine. I feel so much better when I get up in the morning, and I haven't been sleeping 10 hours a night, I have been averaging around 7 actually. I don't feel as tired throughout the day. And when I do sleep, it is much more restful.

Last night I noticed I am getting calf muscles which I haven't seen since cheerleading. And my little bicep is poking out now when I flex. I am still not exactly where I would like to be, but it's a start and if I keep it up I should start seeing results.

I am learning about myself a lot right now. I have realized terrible trends in men I am attracted to and what I do to make these relationships fail. And yes, I make them fail. Nine times out of ten, I am the reason they fall apart. Yes, none of them would have worked regardless if I hadn't put a death sentence on them, but I kill them long before I get anything from them. I used to blame the other person a lot, but I know now it was my own doing. I didn't know I was doing it until now, but since I do I realize this is a hard habit to get rid of. My usual self wants to take over and I am finding it hard to shake all the negative thoughts I am used to having. But I am attempting it. The past few weeks have been filled with little sleeping and lots of thinking. I was glad when I started jogging and stuff and I finally slept through the whole night without waking up from terrible dreams or crazy thoughts. I am learning to turn off my negative mind, and start to listen to my positive one.

My positive one is telling me it will all work out. I am going to trust that.

Love to all...

C

To all the little ones...

Today was one of those days.
I feared coming to work.
Yesterday we had a new baby
transfer to us, born at only 24 weeks.
For those who aren't aware, that
is a little over half of regular term.
I left last night, hoping and praying
for this little one.
I saw him with my own two eyes.
A tiny, little guy that could fit in my hand.



I get to work today and the first thing I
check is to see if he made it through the night.
The first night is always the hardest.
There he was, still with us.
I was so happy. This little one had beat
the odds of being so early and only
weighing a little over a pound.



Sadly, my excitement was brought to a halt
only a few hours after I got here.
The baby had passed on...
I, by no means, know what this must be like.
I don't even know what it is like having a child.
I can't even fathom having to deal with
something of that magnitude.
All the people with young children that I know
have healthy kids.



This brought a memory though.
I remember when my grandmother died,
it was the first time someone I was really
close to had passed away.
I remember at her funeral, my cousin and I
walked around the graveyard looking at headstones.
We got to particular part that was for babies.
I remember seeing how old all of them were.
So many innocent little children that were taken
so early.
I had lost someone who had lived a full life.
She had watched her children and most of her
grandchildren grow up.

I just can't imagine...
It makes me thankful for the many people in
my life. The ones I can still hold on to.
And the ones I had to let go of.
And even though I am only 26, I have had
a great life so far.

I am going to go hug little Dillan next time
I see her and thank God that she is healthy.

Life is different and sometimes sucks, but
at least I have it.

love to all.

C

The new hurdles for the future

So I finally figured out the course of the career

path I am going to go. I decided to get my master's

degree in Library Science to be a librarian.

I was trying to figure out if I wanted to get it

in either Creative Writing or LS.

After much thought and conversation with

friends, I decided that a Master's in CW wouldn't

do much more than the Bachelor's degree I

already got almost a year and a half ago.



So I have to take my GRE, beg UNT to take me

even though my GPA is low, and figure out how

I am going to fund all of this without as little debt

as possible. So my track is set, now I just have to get started.



In other news... I have been having a tough time

in the boy department for awhile now, but

recently has become so much more complicated.

I don't even know how to explain it because

I just keep telling myself to leave it all alone.

Saying good-bye and coming around full circle

Saturday my brother left for Houston.
When I dragged myself out of bed at
8 that morning, I was so tired I couldn't
really think of how tough the day was
actually going to be.
My mom, my dad, my other brother and
my brother's girlfriend all helped clean his
empty apartment while the movers moved
it all into the truck my brothers would drive
to Houston once it was all finished.
We finished close to 11 and started saying
good-byes. The severity hadn't yet
crossed my mind that morning.

I was fine until my mom standing next to
me, waving bye to my brother as he drove
away, said to me, "I wasn't ready for this.
For him to move away again."
That's when it finally hit me. At that moment.
I felt my eyes stinging. I knew what this meant.
But I couldn't let it happen yet.
I still had to go to Home Depot with my parents.
We then went to eat some lunch.
Then they helped me put together my "potty" for
the dog that we had purchased at Home Depot.

Once they left, it didn't take but 60 seconds for
the tears to rush to my face.
I laid on my couch for a good half an hour.
Kleenex after Kleenex.
Tear after tear.
Memory after memory.

Sure I know that some may see this as a little
much for someone who is only moving four to five
hours away from me, but that wasn't the issue.
I was crying for my support system breaking apart.
I stared at my eyelids and watched the numerous
memories of the two of us.
Him sleeping in my room for a good year when I
was in elementary school.
All the times I would need even the smallest favor.
They all played back like a slide show film.
All the images blurring with each tear that past
before them.

I told myself this was silly. He was still just a phone
call away. I could call and visit.
I got in the shower and then went to Dana's to hang
out with her and Dillan. This was the best idea, and
I was completely unaware of it.
Dillan made me so happy. Watching a two year old's
innocence and love for so many things.
She started learning my name.
She pushed my hair out of my face, which she does
to her own.
It made me glow with happiness.

One window opening after a door closes.

Is love greater than life?

This past week has been rather interesting.
Work was slow at the beginning of last week,
then like it usually does, it got super busy.
And it hasn't slowed down yet.
The social life has been just as happening as usual.
Trying not to go out as much, and when I do,
to tone it down a lot more.

Last week though, not sure which day it was,
I had an interesting thought cross my mind,
that I have yet to shake.
I thought, how can I possibly think of all
the failed relationships and think that I will find one
that works, and not just for awhile but forever.
I wanted to know what the percent of lasting
relationships compared to those that failed,
either by divorce or whatever.
I am not talking about just liking someone
and the person just not feeling the same,
I am talking about years of two people
trying to make a life together.
I really want to know statistics.

Surely now, it is much more common for
things to crumble, with divorce being so high.
So why is there a thought still put in almost
every woman... or man, I guess, that there
is one person that will just work and that
this person will never leave you?
I am not at all trying to be cynical, I am
just wondering from a scientific perspective
how often this actually happens.
1 out of 5?
1 out of 10?
1 out of 1000?
How many people have a relationship last?
I want to know what I am up against.

I also want to know why we have been
raised to think unrealistically about the situation.
I know people start every relationship hoping that
it will be the one to last.
But I want to know, at what point do you realize
you have hit your maximum?

I have technically, in my adult life, loved one person.
Of course it didn't work.
I was devastated for quite a long time.
But I start every other new endeavor
with the idea that this person might be the one
that will not hurt me,
this person might love me until I die.
This person might love me when I am old,
and my looks have faded.
But how often does that happen?
Is this a foolish thought process to have?

My parents are a perfect example
of a lasting relationship.
They are still going strong over 30 years.
They are a great example for my brothers
and myself.
At the same time though, I see so many other
people my age that come from broken families.
Is it enough to come from a family where your
parents are still together?
Or does the fact that someones parents didn't
stay together give them a higher rate of not
having a lasting relationship?

I remember now when these questions
got stuck in my head,
I had just walked out of seeing (500) Days
of Summer. This movie made me think
of someone like myself.
Someone who has a grand idea of love.
Only to be hurt and wonder if anything
will ever come again.
Now I just want scientific evidence to show
me if this is something I should consider.

I am much a fan of loving even if loosing,
but I wonder at what point do you throw your
hands in the air and say, "Enough is enough."
I want to be happy, but being happy doesn't
ride on just someone else making me happy.
I have learned how to keep myself happy.
I just want to know if all these years of being
told that I will be able to trust someone completely
down the line, is something that is true.

Love, in every sense of the word, to all...

C