"And wuv, tru wuv, will fowow you foweva... "

I went to my parents' house last night,
knowing I probably wouldn't sleep very
well and probably would be up far longer
than anyone else in the house.
I was happily surprised that my mom
stayed in the guest room with me
(since there are two beds in there and
because my dad has sick germs floating
around him) and we stayed up and talked
until 2 this morning.

One thing I asked my mother was if she
thought it was weird that I hadn't married
yet, or that I was nowhere close.
My mother being the most honest person
I know, told me "yes, at times".
She said she isn't worried about it, but
that sometimes she wonders as she
sees so many of her friends' children
getting married and having their
own children.

I wonder the same thing myself.

It seems that as people get older the
natural thing is to find someone that
you can spend your life with.
To start a new life of your own since
your parents no longer are your
companions.
Personally, I haven't really had the
drive to do any of that until recently.
I am not sure why I was so turned
off to the idea for so long, but
suddenly a switch went off and I
have a longing for someone else in
my life to have as a companion.

I have never believed that "love" is
a magic word or even a magic emotion.
I think just like every other emotion
it can come and go with the passing day,
passing hour or even passing minute.
I also believe "love" is not what keeps
people together.
I know the few people in this world that
know me enough to love me, would not
love me every minute of the day.
I know I can be difficult at times to even
put up with, let alone love.
I think people mistake that so many times.
They expect this grandiose "feeling" to stay
with them for years and years.
It just isn't a logical way of living.

I know I am picky. I know I am guarded.
I take my time. I don't think there is a
damn thing wrong with that.
I know my mom wants the best for me
and that she wouldn't want me to rush
into anything just because I felt pressure.

So with the new year approaching, I am
going to be doing things a little different
this year.
Not as many bars. Not as many bands.
Try to find a quality man. One that
thinks the same way I do about that
crazy thing people call "love".

all my love to all...

C

The domino effect

As I sit over my Cheerios at work,
I remember something my friend
told me the other day.
She told me that someone I knew
was broken.
After she said that I have constantly
been thinking of what makes a
broken person and if that person is
ever fixable.

I also wonder if this problem has a
domino effect with relationships
they are involved in after the fact.
They can't love so they in turn
hurt someone else which makes
that person broken also.
The process just goes on and on
until the whole world are incapable
of loving another person other
than the one that hurt them.

At what point do you become
broken?

Personally, I think I should be at
that point by now, with all the
failed attempts at finding someone
that makes me truly happy.
But for whatever reason, I have a
feeling, whenever another person
comes around that I "spark" with,
I will forget all about the past
failures.

I have seen this numerous times.
My family members have experienced
it even.
But everyone I seem to know that
is "broken" ended up with someone
that he/she could be with.
So at what point are they fixed?
Will they ever be fixed?
Will they ever love again?

I think so. I am just not sure what
type of person it takes to break
the domino effect.
To make them realize that everyone
is scared shitless to put themselves
out there, and possibly just to be hurt...
once again.
Maybe it just takes feeling so strongly
for someone for the risk to be taken.

I realized after all this was brought to
my attention that the broken ones
were the type of men that I was
attracted to, or the ones attracted to me.
It is a dead end road from the very
beginning.
Maybe it's the challenge of it all,
I don't really know (it must be
a part of subconscious that I
haven't tapped into yet).
Whatever the reason, it needs to
stop. The last one was enough.
I need an emotionally available
man, not one that can't get over
getting hurt in the past.
Lord knows I have gotten over it.
I still put myself out there, but
hey, maybe the feelings these
people have had for me just
aren't strong enough to get them
over the scared part. It isn't
worth it to them.

I am stopping the domino effect
right here. I will not fall over
with the rest.

Love to all...
because I still believe.

C

Ramble on

Well as luck would have it, I have a cold.
My head is full of fuzz and I can't breath
through my nose, or hear out of my ears.
I always seem to get sick when there is
something important lingering.
Friday is a step in a new direction for me,
hopefully.

I blame my lovely roommate for this
illness, because no matter how many
times I would "remind" her, she
refused to use my anti-viral Kleenex.
She went to the doc-in-the-box and
they gave her amoxicillin (dumb)
and sent her on her way.
This antibiotic of course is not helpful
for a common cold or even a severe
upper respiratory infection.
Sometimes I just want to slap these
people and tell them their years
of school taught them nothing.

Not much has happened with the
men in my life, they fade in and out
with each passing day, which draws
me to depend on them from less
to not at all.

I wish I had some great news to
bring up but hopefully next week
I will be busting at the seams with
good news, not today though.

I don't even really know what to
write since my head feels detached
from my body completely.

Stay well and warm...

love to all.
C

The past and the present

I have been dreading this entry.
It has crossed my mind at least 1oo times
since it happened and I know the only way
for me to make light of it, is to write.
To see it staring at me in my face.
It is much harder to hide from when it is
standing right in front of me, standing on
my toes, nose-to-nose.

After my last post, I had many hesitations,
but I finally decided to see the person who
had suddenly showed interest in being in
my life again, after so long of not.
"I should be nervous", I kept telling myself
as I was driving in his direction. I wasn't.
Anyone who knows me, knows I get nervous
about EVERYTHING. Anything and everything.
I took me awhile to warm up to the idea
that I was bringing two worlds together.
My past and my present.
I took him where I felt comfortable and
had planned to play a game with friends.
We quickly found ourselves talking only
to each other and not even paying
attention to the people playing the game.

We talked about a lot of different things.
I was racking my brain for questions to
ask him. I asked what I could then
found myself with nothing more.
I mean, what do you say to someone
you used to know so well and has
turned into this different person,
and all in good ways.
We talked about kids and families.
We talked about plans.
We talked about girlfriends/and the
lack of my boyfriends.

Then he hit me with something I
wasn't ready for.
I had been silent for awhile, trying
to think of things to talk about,
when he said, "you know, Caroline,
you aren't really the same person
you used to be."
I felt my breath leave my lungs
and struggled to get any air back
in them.
I was afraid he would say this.
"In a good way or bad way?"
finally I managed to say.
He said, "both".
Not in a mean way, but in a
completely honest way that I was
hoping he would never notice.
Mainly because I know who I am
now is not what I used to be,
mostly because I have become
very callused to the world and to
the things that upset me.
I would get a really huge dose of
this later in the night.

I was suddenly afraid that I was
no longer the soft, loving person
he remembered me as.
I thought of things he could be
thinking that I now resembled.
An empty shell of a person, one that
no longer has feeling in my face.
Maybe just a guarded person, that no
longer lets anyone in.
So I did what any person would do,
I quickly changed the subject.

The rest of the evening went more
smoothly after that point.
I talked freely about things in our
past. I talked about the things I
had recently gone through.
But then once again he said something
I wasn't expecting and something
I thought I wanted to talk to people
about until it actually happened.
He said he thought I was still wanted
the last guy I had liked.
My simple response was, "no, why would
I want someone who doesn't want me?"
At the time I said it, I wanted to take it
back, and say what I had said for weeks
now, that everything was fine.

It took a few hours for those words to
really sink in, and when they did, I
felt exactly what I thought I would.
I was glad I finally felt something
though, I thought there was no
way I would get over someone that
quickly and effortlessly.

I am glad to have my friend back in my life.
Glad to have someone who holds
so much of my past, but at the same
time scared to death of the ways he
could hurt me all over again.
I know he is different but there is
a large part of me that can't get
over things that easily.
We shall see, I suppose.

Love to all.

C